Oscars Math

Oscars 2019 - Part 2

I was exhausted after the Oscars last night. Just like the pre-awards drama, the ceremony took me up and down and back and forth, resulting in a sort of emotional whiplash that I don’t really know what to do with. Is it possible that the combination of positives and negatives from last night equaled each other out? Let’s do some math and find out.

+10 — The show worked well without a host. You got me, producers! You were right! It was fine. I really thought that I’d miss a host, but when it came down to it, I appreciated that the ceremony was so focused on the awards. Without skits or the pressure of a monologue, the show dove right into honoring films and the people who made them.

-10 — I think I hate Queen now? I lie, “Don’t Stop Me Now” will forever be a bop, but that opening number was adequate at best, and was when I missed a host’s monologue the most.

+50 — There was some stunning. Oscar. fashion.

-50 — Pink is IN?!?!?! Why, world?!?! Nobody should go around looking like Pepto Bismol!

+25 — Chris Evans knows how to appreciate QUEEN REGINA KING! An adorable moment. Chivalrous without getting in the way.

-25 — Where was Ryan Coogler? Ryan Coogler is the current MVP for hiring talented women, was thanked many times, and yet somehow the cameras could not find him? I originally thought he just wasn’t at the ceremony, but he was! He directed the biggest film from last year, and his invisibility felt significant.

-100 — Green Book won Best Original Screenplay. Really?

+100 — I’ve never felt so good about my chances at a career in screenwriting! I mean, if this wins Oscars I think I have a real shot!

+200 — There were some amazing speeches. We started out the night with Regina King’s beautiful acceptance, and then got to move on to Ruth Carter and Hannah Beachler!!!

-200 — There were some terrible speeches. The kinds of acrobatics people had to pull in order to avoid talking about the terrible Bryan Singer was embarrassing for everyone involved. I know the editor isn’t responsible for Bryan Singer’s actions… but people! Do not enable that man!

+200 — Okay, but, there were some really good speeches! Lady Gaga tearfully inspired all of us, Bao director Domee Shi gave an empowering shout out to nerdy girls, and the Period. End of Sentence. team continued their work gleefully kicking down the stigma surrounding menstruation.

-200 — There were some really terrible speeches. With the exception of the (always classy) Mahershala Ali, Dr. Shirley was awkwardly absent from speeches by the Green Book team— a strange tell from the men that supposedly “made their film with love and respect.”

+200 — GREAT SPEECHES! The upset of Olivia Colman taking the Best Actress award, and her absolutely charming speech that followed were delightful. He’s going to cry. I won’t! Ah! Lady Gaga!

-200 — Okay seriously that was a BAD SPEECH. I’m looking at you, Rami Malek. Please don’t talk about inspiring LGBTQ youth when you are conveniently avoiding the fact that the director of your film is a predator.

-1000 — If Beale Street Could Talk didn’t win Best Score. Honestly, this might have been the only award that I was really invested in. Nicholas Britell’s score was transformative, original, and key to the success of the film. Listen to it.

+1000 — Shallow was better than I could have dreamed of. The way they looked at each other! The aaaaahhhh section! When he sat down on the bench with her! Pure sex.

+1000 — History was made! Ruth Carter and Hannah Beachler had historical wins, and Spike Lee finally won an Oscar!

-1000 — Seriously, Bohemian Rhapsody won technical awards. For… salvaging bad footage? And making Queen sound as good as it always does? I guess?

-5000 — Green Book won Best Picture. Read this from Justin Chang of the LA Times.

+5000 — That Spike Lee reaction shot though. Observe:

-10000 — Green Book won Best Picture. *cue screaming into the void*

+10000 — Richard E. Grant got to meet Barbra Streisand. He deserves every happiness.

So… We’re back at zero! They did indeed cancel each other out!

I now have mental space to look ahead to Us, Greta, and 3 Dev Patel films this year. THE AWARDS SEASON IS FINALLY OVER!